Last Exit To Nowhere
by Kelspook
Summary: Set just after Exit Wounds, the team are dealing with their losses, each in thier own way...
1. Chapter 1

**Torchwood isn't mine, and no gain will be made from this story, it's just for fun.**

**Notes- This is set just after Exit Wounds at the end of Season 2. It's kinda dark, but lightens up later on, I always wondered what the catalyst was for making Jack and Ianto's relationship deepen, and this is my take :) Hope you folks enjoy it.**

**Last Exit To Nowhere**

"Go home."

Gwen looked up from the report she'd been trying to type up. Though, truth be told, in the last hour she'd maybe managed half a dozen words. She shook her head.

"I'm fine."

Jack crossed the open space, and turning leaned against her desk. He folded his arms, and quirked an eyebrow at her.

"You're not fine. None of us are _fine_." He gestured to where Ianto was waiting. "Go, Ianto will drive you home. You need to be with Rhys, to go and do something normal."

Gwen felt the tears threaten to break loose. _"Tosh and Owen won't get to do anything normal again" _she thought. Taking Tosh down into the vault had been one of the hardest things she'd ever had to do. Seeing her cold face, watching the body bag obscure the young woman as Jack zipped it closed. That oh so final clang as the door slammed shut.

Her head jerked up as she felt a hand close on her shoulder, and she nodded, drawing in a shuddering breath. Covering Ianto's hand with her own, she stood and the two headed for the door, Ianto draping a supportive arm around her shoulders, even as his eyes met Jacks. He nodded almost unnoticeably at the unspoken statement. _Of course I'll take care of her_.

"Do you want me to come back?" Ianto eyes were concerned- of all of the team, Ianto could always tell when Jack was hurting, no matter how well he thought he was hiding it.

Jack shook his head. "I think I need some time alone."

Ianto nodded, and though he looked uncertain, he turned and propelled Gwen towards the exit.

Jack watched the cog door close, then headed to his office. Slumping into his chair, he opened the drawer and reaching in, pulled out a bottle of whisky and a glass. He poured a generous measure for himself and knocked it back, mood turning bleaker by the second.

Another two dead and gone.

He poured himself another shot. Knocked it back.

Tosh's last message had been so hard to take. Reaching back beyond death to comfort them all. True, without his taking her out of the UNIT holding facility, she would have spent her life in darkness- on the other hand, all he'd given her was a five year stay of execution. And in the end, it was his fault. Tosh, Owen, Estelle, Gray, countless others.

Another shot, then another. He could feel the alcohol starting to take effect, and though he knew it was a bad idea given how he was feeling, he just wanted to numb himself. Make the pain, the guilt, everything just go away for a while. Though alcohol didn't have nearly the effect on him now that it did before Rose brought him back, if he drank enough, he could still get drunk. And by god, was he trying now.

The bottle was half gone, and he was feeling more than a little irrational. The anger that had been simmering away was uncurling in his belly. The only trouble was that the anger was directed inward at himself. Rationally, he knew he couldn't do this job by himself. That he would always need help, always need a team.

And those people would die, while he kept right on going. He knew this wasn't healthy, that dwelling on all those lost souls would just eat him up inside. But he had to feel that pain, had to go through it, or those sacrifices would count for nothing. That was why he needed this time alone. Time when he didn't have to be strong for the others, where he could just feel the pain, surrender to it. Especially as this time, it was all his fault.

He considered just slugging the whisky straight from the bottle, but could remember somehow that officers didn't do that, they always used a glass. _Have to observe the proprieties,_ he thought, a bark of humourless laughter turning into a strangled sob.

He poured another, vaguely wondering how his Webley revolver had found its way onto the desk.

********

Ianto swore as the traffic got thicker. Gwen was sitting next him in the SUV, staring blankly out of the window.

He'd tried to get her to talk, but it was as though she couldn't hear him.

"We're all going to go like that, aren't we?"

Ianto jumped.

"What?"

"Death by Torchwood." Gwen was still looking out of the window. "That's how it happens to all of us, except Jack."

Ianto sighed. "You've seen the files then."

She nodded, finally glancing over at him.

"It's a dangerous job." Ianto shrugged. "But even with the risks, even with seeing friends die, I can't think of doing anything else." He caught her eye. "Can you?"

Gwen turned away again, her expression pensive. "God help me, but no I can't."

Her arms folded around herself. "I know I should walk away, that every day this could be it, and I'd leave Rhys all alone."

"But?" Ianto smiled sadly. "I can definitely hear a but there…"

"But I just can't. The things we've seen, the things we'll see- it's all worth it. Even at times like this, I still think that."

The SUV turned into Gwen's street, and Ianto pulled up outside her door.

"You okay from here?"

"Yeah, Rhys' car is there, I'll be fine."

She climbed out and headed into the building.

_Now what?_ thought Ianto. _He said he wanted time alone, but…._

"Ah, fuck it." he said, and gunning the engine headed back to the Hub. He didn't know how he knew, but the last thing Jack needed to be was alone right now. He'd been acting strong for his and Gwen's benefit, but even the mighty Jack Harkness could break, and Ianto could see the act for what it was- a brittle facade.

The traffic was getting worse as the rush hour intensified. Ianto toyed with putting on the blue lights, but decided he didn't want to draw attention to the SUV.

He didn't know it, but it was a decision he would regret.


	2. Chapter 2

Ianto entered through the tourist office and went behind the desk to hang up the SUV keys. He bumped the counter with his hip, and as he did the CCTV screen flared into life. He could see into Jack's office, and what he saw made his blood run cold.

Jack was leaning back in his chair, eyes closed, his Webley pressed to his temple.

Ianto didn't think. He took off down into the Hub like the demons of hell were chasing him.

"Come on, COME ON!" screamed Ianto as the cog door seemed to take an eternity to open. It finally rolled out of the way, and Ianto darted through. A little voice was muttering that it would be okay, Jack can't die, but Ianto wasn't listening to it- the man he loved had a gun pressed to his head and looked ready to pull the trigger.

Ianto took the steps three at a time, but as he was about halfway up a shot reverberated through the building.

He skidded through the door, dropping to his knees beside the prone form on the floor.

"You stupid …." ground out from between his teeth. He roughly flung the Webley across the room from where it had fallen beside Jack's outstretched hand.

The gun skittered across the floor, hitting the wall with a thud.

He could see the empty bottle on the desk, the chair lying on its side where it had landed as Jack hit the floor and was trying not to look at the wound in Jack's temple. But as much as he tried, his eyes kept getting drawn back to it. As he watched, the wound closed, swiftly followed by the ragged exit wound on the other side. Ianto dragged Jack into his lap, wrapping his arms around the older man as the tears he'd been fighting all day finally surfaced.

He felt Jack jerk in his arms, heard that first agonised breath force its way into this lungs.

Jack's first view of the returning world was a little blurry, but he could feel arms around him, and realised he was being rocked back and forth.

"Ianto?"

"You bastard! You stupid, stupid bastard! What were you thinking??"

"I wasn't! I….. " He paused, his face a picture of misery. "I just wanted it to stop." he finished quietly.

Jack sat up, twisting himself around to face Ianto's tear streaked face. Raising one hand, he brushed a tear away with his thumb. "You came back. Even though I told you not to, you came back anyway."

"Of course I did." Ianto said, scrubbing one hand over his face, and drawing in a deep, calming breath. "You still don't get it."

"What don't I get?" Jack struggled to his feet, and turned to right the chair.

Ianto stood, and grabbing Jack's arm, spun him round to face him.

"You're not alone. We love you, and that means you're NEVER alone. I love you, Gwen loves you…. In another way, but she does."

Jack's jaw worked, but no sound came out. Ianto could see tears to match his own start to well up in the older mans eyes.

"As long as you have people who love you, you're never alone. And we care, and you don't have to go through this by yourself."

Jack's head had dropped and he was looking down at the floor, his fists clenching and unclenching as he struggled to stay in control. Ianto stepped forward, putting a hand behind the other man's back and pulling Jack in close to him. He tilted Jack's head up with his free hand, forcing him to look at him. Closing the gap, Ianto kissed him, lips meeting gently, soothingly. His hand moved to the back of Jack's neck, and he broke away, grey eyes meeting blue.

"Gwen has Rhys. And you? You've got me. And tonight, I'm not going anywhere. You'll just have to learn to live with that."

Jack broke away, turning to lean against the desktop. "I don't deserve you. I don't deserve any of you."

"You're not the one who gets to decide that, Jack." Ianto leaned back to sit on the edge of the desk, folding his arms. "We're here because we want to be. You lead, we follow."

"No." Jack shook his head. "Gwen follows, that damned curiosity of hers won't let her do anything else. You're here because you had nowhere else to go. There wasn't anywhere else you could hide her."

Ianto froze, feeling an angry retort start to form in his mind, and just a year ago he wouldn't have been able to stop it. Now though, even that pain had ceased to hold the same sting. Time really was a healer. Turning away, he stood and stared at the wall as he tried to compose himself, knowing that the last thing either of them needed just then was a fight. They'd never really discussed Lisa, Jack seeming to prefer leaving what was in the past where it belonged.

Jack felt Ianto move away, and glancing up took in the rigid set of the younger man's shoulders. _Smooth Jack_, he thought, _great time to bring that up, you scare the crap out of him and then drag out something from over a year ago_. Still mentally berating himself, he rested a hand on Ianto's shoulder. "I'm sorry."

Ianto's head snapped round in surprise. "You…….. are sorry? You?" He felt the hand being removed, heard Jack's feet scuff the floor as he moved away. Ianto's mind reeled at the enormity of that statement. He'd thought that while Jack hadn't fully forgiven what he did, he'd simply consigned it in his mind as a bad decision in the past. That quiet admission seemed to suggest something different.

"Yeah. It is possible." His voice broke slightly. "You loved her. You should always fight to save the people you love, even if it seems hopeless. You might lose them anyway, but at least you'll always know you tried."

Turning back, Ianto saw Jack was no longer looking at him. Instead he was standing staring out over the Hub, hands jammed into his pockets, shoulders slumped. Ianto had never seen the normally irrepressible former time agent look quite so…. defeated. Even after everything that had happened with Suzie, he hadn't been as tortured as this. Or maybe Ianto just hadn't been able to see it, hadn't been looking hard enough.

"I'm sorry I had to do what I did. I wish it could have been different, but I had no choice."

"I know that, now," said Ianto quietly. For a second he thought that Jack hadn't heard him, and then saw him nod tiredly.

Standing there, head slightly bowed, dried blood crusting down the side of his neck from yet another failed attempt to finish things, he was somehow diminished. That vital glaring spark that made him larger than life seemed to be gone, leaving behind nothing but a man who had lived too long, seen too much, suffered and sacrificed too much and watched far too many loved ones be ripped violently away, both from him and from the people he cared about. The side of him he kept hidden away behind his flirting and that devil may care attitude. Ianto felt that for the first time he was seeing the real Jack, and his heart truly ached for him.

The mask had slipped, showing the true colours beneath- the loneliness of the reluctant immortal. A normal man given what some would see as a gift, but that the wise would see for what it really was- a terrible, terrible curse. One that he tested on a regular basis, and was always disappointed.

"You know, I've been here over a hundred years."

Ianto said nothing, hardly daring to breathe. He could sense that some momentous breakthrough was happening, but he wasn't sure where it was going. Jack had never been so candid before. Up until now, they'd had fun. Games with the stopwatch, naked hide and seek, but they seldom just _talked_. They'd been fooling around for months, but Ianto had never felt like anything other than a casual fling, something to do between bouts of saving the world from weevils, alien invasions and whatever else the rift managed to cast out. He knew something important was going on, but wasn't sure how to handle it. He decided for now to simply let Jack talk, keep his responses light, draw him out and see where it took them. He'd felt his feelings growing, changing over the last while. But he'd thought that Jack didn't feel the same way. A tiny hope was sparking in his chest that maybe, just maybe, he was wrong.

Jack snorted, but it was a pale echo of his usual self. "But of course you know that, you've been digging around in those archives pretty much since you got here."

"Spiders would take over completely otherwise, and we'd never find anything. Or they might mutate…."

"Do you know how many of you I've seen come and go? All bright, all young, all convinced that it won't be them, that they'll be ones to make it through where so many have fallen before them." He sighed. "A few did. But too many didn't."

"That isn't your fault." Ianto moved on instinct, knowing beyond doubt that this was the time for contact. Earlier, Jack would have shied away. He moved in behind him, wrapping his arms around his waist and resting his head against his shoulder. Jack stiffened slightly, and then relaxed back against him, taking the comfort that was offered. Ianto felt hands close over his own, tentatively at first, but growing stronger.

"I recruited them- who else is to blame?"

"We all know what we're getting into." Ianto murmured quietly into his ear. "We can all take the retcon, walk away. But we don't."

"Why?" Jack's head tilted forward again. "Why wouldn't you walk away, knowing what you all know? Especially now."

Ianto stepped back, and made Jack turn to face him. "We can't do this in here. Come on." He looked at him critically. "But we really need to get you cleaned up first." Taking Jack's hand, he led him down through the trapdoor into his quarters. Reaching the bottom of the ladder, Jack sat down on the edge of his bed and buried his head in his hands. "None of it seems to matter. No matter what I do, it always ends the same. Slamming shut another door down in the vault."

Ianto disappeared into the bathroom, and Jack heard the shower start up, steam drifting lazily out into the room as Ianto came back in. "Shirt. Off."

Seeing that Jack wasn't going to move, he knelt down and started to unbutton it himself. He pushed Jack's braces off his shoulders, and pulled the bloodstained shirt off after them, tossing it into the corner of the room. He moved down to Jack's belt, and was about to unbuckle it when Jack's hands stopped him. Looking up, he met the older mans gaze.

"Don't."

"Let me do this." Gently taking his hands out from under Jack's, he moved them up to frame his face, lacing his fingers into his hair, thumbs brushing his cheekbones. He moved in and repeated the soft kiss from before, demanding nothing. "Let someone take care of you for a change. It doesn't happen enough." Ianto saw the tears begin to well again, before the other man nodded just once, closing his eyes and acquiescing to Ianto's ministrations.

The young Welshman quickly divested Jack of the rest of his clothing, and leading him through to the bathroom pushed him in under the hot spray. He stood under the pounding water, and raising his arms to brace himself against the wall rested his forehead against the cool tile. What was the point? He carried on standing there, making no move to clean the blood from his neck and chest. The water running in rivulets down the back of his neck began to rinse some of it away, and gazing down at his feet he could see the pinkish, bloodstained water curling around his toes and disappearing down the drain. It would wash off on its own, wear away only to be replaced, again and again. Forever.

He started as he felt someone enter the stall behind him. Felt gentle hands start massaging the back of his neck. Ianto had seen that Jack was unlikely to move on his own, so had shucked his own clothing and stepped under the water. Lifting a sponge from the shelf set into the wall, he squeezed some shower gel onto it and then gently started to wash away the evidence of Jack's latest brush with mortality. As the sponge turned red, he rinsed it out, added more gel and carried on. Jack was feeling something he hadn't in a very long time. He felt loved, cared for.

The tight bands he'd locked down on his emotions since Owen had first died and come back, right through his eventual end and Tosh's selfless sacrifice finally shattered. A shuddering sob wracked his frame, followed by another, and the dam broke. Ianto pulled him into his arms and simply held him until he'd cried himself out. Though both men were naked, there was nothing sexual in that moment. Just honest pain, comfort freely given, nothing asked in return. Jack clung to him as though he'd never let go.

When Jack finally quieted, Ianto reached over, switched off the water, and grabbed a couple of towels.

"Ianto? I…."

"Not yet. We're going out. Some things you have to really _see_."


	3. Chapter 3

The SUV cut through the early evening traffic, Ianto darting and weaving through the other vehicles. He had refused to tell Jack where they were going, just told him to bring his coat.

Jack had tried a few times during the trip to find out their destination, but had finally given up. He was finding it strangely cathartic to for once simply follow where he was led, to let someone else take the reins for a while. He still felt drained, but his emotional release had certainly helped. The conversation since they'd gotten into the car had been far less intense. Jack was grateful- it was helping ease him back in a sense of normality.

"How's the head?"

"Fine, it's always fine."

"No hangover?"

Jack chuckled, a glimmer of his usual personality starting to resurface.

"Funny thing, bullet to the head, hangover doesn't have a chance. I go back to how I was the day I died, so the alcohol just vanishes."

"Don't think it's going to catch on though. As a hangover cure, I mean." A small smile pulled at the corner of Ianto's mouth as he turned into a car park. "Here we are then."

Jack had seen the sign as they went through the gate. "Bute Park. You brought me to a park??"

Ianto slotted the SUV neatly into a space, switched off the engine, and turned to face his lover.

"Trust me."

Ianto led Jack through the park until he found an empty bench. Pulling Jack down to sit beside him, he gestured with one hand.

"Now," Ianto said. "Look around."

Jack looked, but he wasn't sure what Ianto was getting at. It looked like any other park would look. A young couple were canoodling under a tree some way off.

Two teenagers were yelling good natured insults at each other, while playing Frisbee just beyond them.

An elderly couple meandered past holding hands.

A young family were strolling through the centre of the grassy space, their small son throwing a stick for a very excited border collie.

A typical scene, probably being duplicated all over the world.

"Do you see it yet?" Ianto raised a hand to Jack's face, tilting his head around until their eyes met. "All those people. All those lives. Every last one of them would have been snuffed out, or destroyed in some other way. If Tosh and Owen had failed, and the power station had gone up, that kid could be dead, or growing up without parents and nothing but a future of cancer and pain to look forward to."

Jack looked out, and realised the younger man was right. It always mattered, no matter that it cost. After Tosh's message had played, he'd told Gwen that they would keep going. Now, he actually believed it. They'd go on, they all would. Whatever the price.

"You asked why wouldn't we walk away?" Ianto shrugged. "How can we go back to the old nine to five? Okay, the retcon might work, and we'd never remember the things we've seen. Some of them not so nice, to be fair. In fact, some of the stuff that's happened in the last few years, it would be a relief to forget. But I know for myself that I want to remember all of it, and I know Gwen feels the same. This job makes me proud; it makes me feel like a man. Every day I get up and see a world that wouldn't be here if it wasn't for us. Not many people can say that."

He snorted. "You'd be better off asking how we COULD walk away. You've shown us a larger universe, a greater purpose, Jack Harkness, and none of us blame you one bit. We're grateful that we get the chance to make a difference, even if it costs us our lives."

Jack felt something inside let go as Ianto's words hit home. This was why he'd stayed after the doctor came back. Ianto, and the rest of the team, helped keep him grounded. Without them he would forget how to be human. Jack took a deep breath, and let it out with a sigh.

"Why the hell do you put up with me, Ianto? And when did you get so wise?"

Resolutely ignoring the shocked looks from a few of the passers by, Ianto moved in to kiss him, but this time their lips met more fervently, with the promise of passion to come. Jack closed his eyes and enjoyed the sensations coursing through him, only opening them again when they broke for air.

"Because you put up with me. God knows, I've made mistakes. As for the wise bit, I don't know about that, but one thing I do know. Since I've known you, I've turned into a better man. And I wouldn't change that for the world."


End file.
